Analyzing behaviors

So a few months ago I mentioned divulging those personal issues which I struggle with. One is pretty easy and doesn't effect life too much. The other has become a bit too much of a part of my daily like.

1. I am totally obsessive compulsive about a number of things - cleanliness/order (but oddly not about germs) and counting. I count absolutely everything - letters in words, words in sentences, every step I walk up. I know how many steps to the 2nd and 3rd floors to our house in Shaker which I moved out of in 1994. Same with the neighbors...The cleaning drives me crazy. I get nervous and sweaty when things are not in a specific order. And order means everything off the counters, dishes washed immediately, kids toys put away when done being played with...this has manifested itself over the past few years since having kids. Rebecca and I were always quite orderly when it was just us. But the kids have caused disorder (either directly or indirectly) that just drives me crazy. This, as well, has not caused too much trouble in my life. I spend alot of time picking up and it has caused some tense moments between Rebecca and I when things get left out longer than they should or she gets bothered by the fact that I walk in the door from work and am washing dishes in suit and tie within 30 seconds (implying she is a poor housekeeper). But part of that is to ensure that I don't get angry or nervous about it later causing bigger issues...either way, I suppose, this is not a large issue as compared with those of other obsessive compulsives I have read about - not being able to leave the house, constant hand washing, etc.

2. Death. I used to have a "Book of Questions" with 242 (I think) questions in it that were supposed to spur thought, conversations and inner analysis. One of the questions was "What are you most scared of?" I often shared these questions with coworkers and friends and was amazed at the number of people that had death as their biggest fear. At the time of these numerous discussions, I was 15-25 years old and death was at the bottom of my list of things I was scared of. I parachuted, started flying, ran into burning buildings, jet skied in 20 foot waves in the ocean and alligator infested lakes. I tempted death and didn't let it worry me one bit. However, I have 100% reversed my thinking on this and attribute this to having a wife and kids who rely on me and loving others more than I could possibly love anything else. I am scared to death of death (??), not the physical act or event of dying. That doesn't worry me. The effect my death would have on the rest of the family. I read the obits every morning, scouring them for people my age who have died to find out how, who they left behind and often shed tears thinking about this person I don't know and the kids who will grow up without a parent.

Almost every act I make during the day that is semi-dangerous (driving, commercial flying, crossing the street), I picture myself crashing or getting struck and killed and think about not being able to see my daughters grow up, missing birthdays, weddings, their adulthood. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it now. Not 100% my missing things but the idea that they wouldn't have a loving and supporting father to help them grow, mature and become sensitive and caring women.
And often, especially today as I read about a father who killed his 3 children and set the house afire, I think about things the other way around - my kids getting killed and my having to live through it. Many horrendous visions come along with this. I imagine (for some reason) the last few minutes of those kids lives and watching what their father was doing and the pain (physically and emotionally) they must have gone through.

I realize this is a completely morbid post and certainly not very uplifting. But unfortunately it is something that consumes alot of my thoughts. And I read other blogs that also often have a theme of death in them - either dealing with a death or reacting to death or the worries of a parent - and realize I am not the only one. But I wish I could stop thinking about it all the time...

Holidays

My father has been here for the last 10 days and it has been wonderful to spend time with him. We had a two day tour of castle hotels in Germany, seeing four wonderful castles and staying overnight in two of them which thrilled 4 year old Kate! We went to a Christmas circus (showing me how good Ringling Brothers circuses really are) and spent some time at an indoor waterpark about 10 minutes from home today. Quite a blast. Tomorrow we drive to Goslar, where I lived for 8 months as a teenager, to show my family and visit my "home." We also get to see the mother in the family I stayed with. So it has been a wonderful time...though we had 3 cases of pink eye, 2 viral infections causing much coughing and sleeplessness in the kids, 2 colds and bronchitis (me). So it has been eventful...but it was great spending time with my father. Happy new year to all...